Where did you get a picture of my penis
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I think I sprained my soul last night
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
and eventually we just all took our pants off
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
