Have you finally orgasmed yet?
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
You ate ashes out of my bong
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
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