I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I party with great urgency now.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
