dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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