I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
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