After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
