I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Fuck appropriateness.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
