That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
