I cannot find my penis.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
