My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
