I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Randomize
