And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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