Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
