Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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