My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
