I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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