just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
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