I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
