I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
