My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Randomize
