yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
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