My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Randomize