I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
My ass is underappreciated
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
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