Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Hippo gnu deer
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
