member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
