so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
