It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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