Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
