I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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