You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
