They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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