then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
