maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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