So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
