Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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