moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
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