last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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