Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Randomize
