You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I came so hard my ears popped.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
