There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Randomize
