If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
