toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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