i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
where does the pee come out of this thing
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
