I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
