Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Randomize
