Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
