yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
