my text book just quoted the cookie monster
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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