you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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