i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
