Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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