I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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