At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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