just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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