I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
