I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
