how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
