I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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