i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize